This was 13 years, 9 months, 21 days ago

lately I think, it is the desire, it is the harnessing of desire that is necessary. it is enough to want and to step forward to grab it.

and I (I, smiling to myself) am reminded of the ubermensch that raskolnikov dreams of. 'step forwards and grasp.' and I see the degree to which this is necessary perhaps -- not in terms of evading the law and killing your landlady but of a harnessing of desire relative to one's self, to be able to speak to the self and think of interest, desire.

or: what really matters to me is that I find it interesting and am able to talk about it because it is interesting to me.

or: I will be able to talk about it anywhere because it really matters to me because I find it interesting to me. within this ouroboros-like turning-inwards-ish introspective justification lies the ignition for outwards exploration. it is me, my interest, and for that I wish to share it with you. and so on. look look look look is this not amazing. look does this not change the way you see things. look does this not turn ___ on its head, to paraphrase marx.

and I think that it is necessary to believe with a conviction of firmness that this is true because these things are like self-fulfilling prophecies you know, of emotion, desire, spirit, energy, of one's attitude towards this all, of energy comes energy.

and in that way I am blessed.

something I wrote almost two years ago that touches me to no extent because the words are so so so ___, in the then:

Passing by and seeing this them and those other precious imperceptible moments I go home full of this city, this city at night and I call you, but mistakes are done, done my fault done when all I really wanted to say over noise and signal both, over words that don't start nor stop in this city distilled and undiluted and refinedly raw, rawly refined, was that it was as if tonight, this night, that you were here, you were the whole city, and that's that.

something I thought about two minutes ago that touches me to no extent because it is me in the now:

all I want to do is to _______.