This was 13 years, 8 months, 22 days ago

all I get is a whiff of darkened alleys and of headlights illuminating this street, and on a rocking ride home I am half-isolated looking out at the street wishing for a slight alterity. it's funny how much these spaces come as tangible moments, semi-metallic tastes in the back of my mouth, and -- all of a sudden -- I see and feel some sort of change in me like my heart's grown legs and taken one (or a few) steps on this set of stairs. all of a sudden, abruptly, immediately.

on the way back the cab driver starts falling asleep and I keep him awake with gentle banter, drive safe, man, drink some coffee, man, time for some gentle shut-eye, yeah. and as I'm rocking side to side in a car hurtling down dean st I think about the vectors in which I am traveling long and across, on the one hand parallel to on the other hand orthogonal to. whose vectors are these for? double disorientation making the sky so much darker, inkier.

and then another 'all of a sudden', I realize what it is is that I am apprehensive; it's the mild kind of apprehensive when drifting around with no plans in an unfamiliar country, when you're first establishing territories, first drawing your own lines of flight. apprehensive, which means excited for september, for august, for july. here we are hurtling towards something and I've got deadlines to keep and projects to fall back on and books to talk about and thinkers to argue with and people to miss, more than anything, and all I can think of is that in the moment everything works beautifully, comes together, elongates to stretch an entire frame. a stasis of present-photographed memory, maybe -- which is like nostalgia-for-the-present except I am not looking-forward-looking-back but rather simply here, looking at my hands and my feet in the now.

again again. f: 'have I worked so hard to not have changed?' here's to a loss of the ego, the transformation of my self from a recording-surface into a series of desiring-machines, a more conscious participant in the halting and stopping of flows, desires, movement, valence, vectors. d&g's 'desire' is best translated as a vector, the sharp point of an arrowhead cleaving the way for more things to come, an amplifier that opens things up. more more more?