This was 11 years, 4 months, 22 days ago

back to korea.

I am here, I am the lightest I have ever been. my hair is the longest it's ever been.

I am in limbo. I am confused. I am confused partially because I am so here. do you know what I mean? I am so here right now, and although I got here hardly 36 hours ago it's as if I've been here forever, and I don't like that right now. I was there, then. I am here, now. one day there was this dusty dusty day in irkutsk, where I was wandering around that small city so aimlessly, doing nothing. staring at a wall of ice cream ads. sitting in front of a fountain. and now I am here and it is as if nothing ever happened.

if I am so enamored by this phenomenon it is because it is so visceral.

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there are some things I have decided: it's easy to want a home, it's easy to want to be negative, cynical, it's easy to slip away into internet-routines of thought-absence. it's okay to give myself away. it's okay to have some sense of loss of self. it's better than to always be on the positive side of things. it's okay to want to count on myself but it's also good to believe in others. and also a healthy disrespect for everything I count as absolutely necessary, is key.

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earlier today my friend S asked me that morality dilemma: "if you were on a life raft, and had to save one of two things: a person you didn't know, or a legendary 'masterpiece' work of art, who would you save?" and in a flash of inspiration I asked her back: "if you were the person floating in the water about to die, and the person on the raft asked for your advice, saying 'who should I save: you, or the masterpiece?', what would you say?"

and suddenly as she opened her mouth I knew my own answer: it was me, myself, me, I would say, "me, me, ME, ME" with increasing urgency, "this is me, me, I want to live, forget this work of art, I would like to say me, me, fish me out from this water, let's go live, let's go walk and run, stay up all night and pour my head onto paper, I'll leave the city, go travel the world", and that's what I thought about on the way home, listening to rather ripped (sonic youth), reading about melanie klein and wilhelm reich on wikipedia, rocking on my heels, watching seoul slide by.

(and still there is this ____ in my ____)