This was 16 years, 10 months, 11 days ago

Homes are funny things; houses are funny places. So is my attachment to a concept not yet mine. Some desire for domesticity and groundedness, now, some place to live. I have these plans, drawings, projects, ideas, concepts. They are dormant, nascent, unborn, currently in conception. Summer's coming, approaching, dawning, surfacing. It's 6pm; the sun's setting, sinking, settling, sighing.

:for a place, place, place, place, mine, mine, mine, mine. I want to possess material objects that were made to be possessed, have them in my possession, have them be my objects, have these attributes aligning towards me. This is his chair. That is his bicycle. The way he holds that book means that the spine curves to a certain degree. I want to own things, and to have the power to break them and to make them no longer mine, sit in the knowledge of that power and to not exercise it.

want want want want need need need need want want want want need need need need.

things like: chairs, tables, glasses, pots, tables. lamps. clocks.
not things like: sunglasses, televisions, stereos, cars, electronics, heaters, fans.


Whenever I type something here I re-evaluate what this place is; a place of constant self-censorship intersecting with mild exhibitionism, run by some desire to document, archive, accumulate. I suppose that most of the time I write for myself in the future who looks back at the past -- what changed, from four years back? Five?

I've become unhappy with myself, because I suspect that the range of thought processes I've been going through are slower, lesser, half-assed and half-hearted. To be honest, I've become lazier, more negligent, too forgiving of myself. 'it's okay, next time.' And concurrently, I can look back and see these ideas collapsing under the weight of a scarcity of mind; slackness, looseness, without some kind of propulsion tension...

If I look forward onto myself looking back, will I say, "I wish I had looked more forward, more often, thought about how much more I would have later looked backwards and wished I had looked more forward, more often?"