This was 9 years, 18 days ago

it has been a while, it feels.

I wonder if anybody comes here.


sometimes I miss boston in this fervent way, this pulling-at-heart strings way, this the-world-is-changing way, this what-will-things-hold kind of way. I am fifteen and there's snow on the ground, here's harvard square, there's la burdicks, a sandwich shop, the tiny congregation of people that used to be the epicenter of not-quite-my-being but my being pressing forward, leaning against the outer edges of my defined self. there is that tiny curiosity shop. there is the smell of progress and work and unattainable mysteries and relentless curiosity and running, running, running, moving, going to a somewhere that I do not know where it is, negatives found in books, snow nights, all of these mystical beings, things stickier, deeper. etc. etc. everything2. websites that change your world. the possibility of going to guyana. meetings in coffeeshops where your heart is in your mouth and you dream of things impossible, not-done-yet, far away. still relentlessly internalized and solipsistic. ideally, staying that way.


I realize that what is at the heart of things right now, for me, is a kind of worry, a kind of de-centering, a kind of movement-away-from-my-being. very uncharacteristic of me to be not me (or very uncharacteristic for anyone to be not-anyone.)


in the end, the answers are always the same. breathe in. go forth and move. read. do things. do things that are not the things that are things that you should do but that interest you immensely nontheless. slowly realize that the things that are immensely interesting are, in fact, the thing you should be doing. do that instead. over long periods of time, the trajectories of your being draw out great circles, slow arcs curving over glaciers, tundra, prairies, jungles, mountain ranges, driven really by the integration of small movements built up. seek the things that you have always sought, namely, the unconscious modification of the things you seek.

and now the other things that you must do: be relentless a little, be ruthless a little, be bossy a little, but mostly towards yourself, because you trust yourself, because you know what you are capable of, because you can rely on yourself, and so go forth and exert your being onto the world. you know what's right for you, yet you also don't, and the things that appear to be the right thing may not be, and vice versa, so perhaps the only point at which one knows that one is doing the right thing is when one is wondering whether one is doing the right thing, the cliche of 'thought itself as a kind of positive action' really having come true.

in the end you are just you, you, so delight in it.