This was 1 year, 8 months, 20 days ago

here you are, future me. aren't you curious about what I'm thinking during this pandemic? where are my words? do you wonder?

well, here they are. let them spill. I'll knock this glass over and watch the water run run run, gleefully, find its way, notice a landscape, move the way it wishes to move.

--

- you know already, don't you, d, t, ty, self, provolot, you? don't you? you know, don't you?

- I do. but what does knowing mean, really? is it the solidity of knowing that I am responding to? or the knowledge itself? it is really tempting to put things in to absolutes, you know, to feel the full weight of decision in satisfaction, like pulling an arrow back against a bowstring, fully, properly, and letting it go. decisions like launching arrows, we want to feel. but is that knowing, or deciding?

- does it matter? we're already in the middle of deciding. does it matter? friend, notice what you're saying. does it matter in that context?

- I have no words.

---

I miss things. I miss the energy, I miss you, I miss being in love, I miss loving, i miss being loved.

--

yet, here we are. so revealing. here we are. so much stuff in my fingers. it's a pandemic.

what is it like?

I am concerned. I am worried. I am also relieved. things are going as I thought they would go. who people are is starting to show, to become amplified. I am worried for the people who I care about. I am also surprised.

it feels like forever, and never. right now it feels like this will go on until early june. it feels like we'll emerge but not have parties for a bit. it will be fragile, and confusing.

I want this to lead to a better world. I want to be healthier, and to be healthy. I want to knit bounds and bonds together. I want to trust in people and to commit and to take care. I want to support the people I care about. I want to give and receive, to ask for and to be asked. I want this more in my life.

I see the relief of the things I had been suspicious of being thrown into sharp focus and truth; yes, the janitor and the contractor and the nurse and the shopkeeper, these are essential things, these are important, the work is the work. what supports us is physical, material. action, operation, care. the work feels solid. the work is about our bodies. what supports our bodies? what kind of work cares for our bodies?

what am I in this? as a designer? a carer of spaces? who cares? I care? I want a better world. I want it now, and tomorrow, and next month, and next year, and next decade, and next generation, and next century. I want want want want want it. I want to be alongside people who wish for it, who yearn for it, who want that kind of future. and at the same time I want to play for it. to play to make it happen.

--

i am tired. exhausted. yet also exhilarated. updated. i am so bright and shining. distilled water. condensed soup. my flavors so visceral, so strong. I am spending time with myself. I do like being with me. we, we are together. the royal we. the us. isn't that us? over time, we unpack ourselves into a constellation of selves. I am a castle, an island, a universe.

i am so full.