This was 2 months, 9 days ago

I can feel my words becoming charged. ballooning, inflated with meaning, stuffed, engorged, charged. each one some sort of a succulent fruit; bite into a word, and you'll feel juice dripping down your wrist, meaning cascading, an outpouring of intention, desire, yearning, sadness, heart.

what are we? I want to ask; we as in the us, the all of us, the connections between us. are we not the connections between us? are we lines between nodes? are we not always born in connection, the umbilical arriving first, the belly button forming secondly? do you take these for granted?

you know, we talk about the self, the community, the individual, of separation, individuation, neither __ nor co- nor inde- but inter-, inter-depenence, of a generous meshed network of reliance. in anger and frustration and disappointment (and, to be honest, deep deep confusion) I will say: this whole thing? you know? relies on the willingness, the desire, that we treat each other like we would ourselves. or better. this contract is what it's born upon. or: it's not a contract; it's a simplicity, the feeling that you have a body, and so do I; you were born, and so were I; you, too, grew until you became this age. you, like I, or we, were formative. we were formed, navigating this world. you know? you know?

I will deem this period the period of the lessons, the Lessons. I am learning a great deal, about people, about communication, about relation, about the self and the us. about patience. about acceptance.

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they say 'hurt people hurt people'; what I want to add is that there's only one kind of person; the person who contains a universe, the person who holds a world in their self, the person who remembers; the person who desires; the person who fears; the person who savors; the person who has a body, whose body tries to protects them; the person who remembers; the person who hopes.

the person who tries, or gives up; the person who is afraid and hurt, and lets that fuel their anger; who is desireful and longing, and lets that shape their understanding; the person who is exhausted, the person who is energized; the person who finds humor in this whole situation; the person who is disappointed, let down; the person who has decided, changes their mind, holds onto memory, rewrites their memories, forgets their memories.

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the person who opens, shares, flows. the person who shares lessons from their own experience. the person who laughs at everything, thus generating further laughter. the person who holds all stories in their hands, with grace and generosity. the person who knows how to share hard and important lessons with wisdom. the person who knows how to call someone back into presence. the person who knows how to wait, how to be silent, how to be accept all emotions. the person who manages to find the humor in everything. the person who cares deeply, so vibrating that you can hear it. the person who trusts, trusts, trusts, spotted with sunlight. the person who, somehow, truly feels our energies, and understand how we can let it flow. the person who makes space for anger, and understands its role. the person who sees the perspective of death and acceptance. the person who moves with desire and good faith.

the person who is grateful to the point of tears.

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conflict is sustained with an angry fist, with a desire to hurt even if it means being hurt, formed out of self-destructive vengeance, out of clarity rather than confusion....

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remember, self. the depth of conversation that happens in true presence. when I am grounded, centered, speaking in honesty. the vibration that happens when I am truly here, you know? when I can be honest, myself, vulnerable, open. welcoming the hurt that will come, and letting it pass through, like letting the cold pass through the body in winter; there is shivering, and not-shivering. with john, eating an orange, seeing the world. are we any less cold when we shiver?

relaxing our body, and letting it feel what it feels.