This was 18 days ago

so many words inside of me; they are spilling, just about to, the edge of the meniscus pillowing out, liquid trembling just above the level, the surface tension stretched tightly, trying to keep it together, trying to hold the edge

until it all comes out, anyways. a deluge. a torrential downpour. an endless rain. washing, clearing, crying, emptying, moving, releasing, changing, shifting, giving, wanting, taking. sober reality. honest, a cold honest sober direct look at reality, my emotions, my being, letting myself be how I am.

somewhere between: the lights flipped on after a show, the spell broken, everyone squinting their eyes. and: like looking directly into someone's eyes, actually, the real contact that is there, the hello, the witnessing, the sense of recognition. an openness. of contact, of a sort.

you see: I think this is actually quite rare, to be honest. I think actual connection, I think that point of contact is quite rare. or to be exact: connecting like that is something that anyone can do. however, it takes effort to realize when we're not present. not being present is such a thing that itself is hard to realize. and in fact, it's as if half of the challenge of being present is knowing when we're not being present. if we knew, then we're already halfway there.

to connect with someone who understands that; understands that feeling of presence, wishes to enter into co-presence, is special. and I think often times this happens in love, so somehow love and copresence and intimacy are all combined together. but I feel like this can happen with anyone, at any point.

I find this happening more, these days. something about the boundary, the barrier between myself and I feels lower. I see it now, and can feel how to move over. sometimes, I can enter into a really open clear space with someone. and if they're someone who is also being present, there is a space that we can enter into, to make a kind of contact, to hold a thread of intentional conversation. it's as if: we are truly here, present.

--

HALLAJ

For your way is yours, don’t imitate mine. You’ll find your way.

IBN ATA

When, master?

HALLAJ

When in a crowd or alone you perceive
Impatience disappearing, and you know
Just where you are and where
You’re meant to be.

IBN ATA

Where is that, master?

HALLAJ

Anywhere. You will know your action.

You are present there, not thinking of somewhere else you ought to be.

--

I think we can: always be present. it's not always easy. but usually the blockers are: trying to force a certain outcome, fearing fear. naming the fear or the nervousness can help us move into a place.

what is this that I have found? this action, this space? it is about the self, and the other. we are two mirrors. I am a mirror, to myself. I to me. I-me. I-you. we-we. there is some sort of magical connection or possibility space that this opens up.

sometimes I want to grab friends, acquaintances, by the shoulders and shake them. do you know what I mean??? there's so much more to life!! we could be communicating so much differently!! and this kind of conversation gives me more energy, somehow. it's because complete presentness is so much easier, less energy, less effort spent in saying or doing things the right way. it's just.. being. and being is so much easier than stressing. being leads to flowing. and the things we can find! the conversations we can have! are magical, special, shimming, unpredictable.

how is this possible? I want to add. how is it possible to move into spaces of contact? when it happens it is really meaningful. and I think, you know, I think it is possible with anyone. it's about our relationship to ourselves, fundamentally. the world is made out of parts of us. and the way we work with the world is about our relationship to ourselves.

it's like: we're both a light source and the eye. and when the light source is so close to the eye, I imagine we'd just see everything perfectly illuminated. no shadows. everything pretty uniform, blending into each other. it's when the light source drifts from our eye that we might see things being different shapes, colors. but fundamentally; we project light; it bounces back. do we like the thing we are projecting?

do we like the person who we project, who bounces back, and who we interact with? our understanding of ourselves, of parts of ourselves, become the methods we use to understand others; our patterns, our lenses, our eigenself. an audience starts at the self.