I say to P: "I just moved out today. finished an hour ago, went to say hello to the sunset, felt the wind on my face and the distant but sure possibilities of newness and change around the corner."
what is in my spirit? sadness. deep sadness, and happiness, somehow co-existing. turns out, life has bones. turns out, grief is present. turns out, things can tumult, tumble, stumble, fall, collapse, sever, break, tear, rupture. turns out, harm can happen, and continue, people can be uncaring, confusion can reign, anger and retribution and indifference can proliferate, turns out, turns out
a!n!d! despite this all! where am I? I ask? am I not standing on this pier, electricity running through my veins? 전율, I think, I hold this word in my mouth as I stand out watching the sun set. are we not here? am I not alive? am I not living, loving, failing, hurting, caring, pained, angry, upset, happy? am I not feeling in its entirely? am I not moving? am I not full of fear, and anxiety, and trepidation, and courage, and ambivalence, and confusion, just-stepping, trying to do the right thing when the right thing is unclear?
am I not trying?
so! here I am. I am trying. happy to be here, you know? happy to exist. to feel this in my body. wind on my face, the changing light in my eyes. birds and water and buildings and space and lives. I run into a friend from high school, T, and her husband, and we talk about film and asian america and children. lives, you know? they intertwine, run in parallel. they will keep on going. we will all keep on feeling. are we not all in this net, together? and we are, and if there's anything I've learned, it's to trust the arcs of life, the way they will throw us together, separate us apart. 인연, 인연일수도 있고. 아닐수도 있고. we'll see, how the lines get woven together.
I'm full of this thrill, right now. and now I am full of more wisdom, the utmost sureness that: this is going to happen again, that I will be hurt again, and move through it. I remember the first breakup I had when I didn't know if I could survive through it. you know? that first love, when it all ends and is full of heartbreak. but you learn; there is life, afterwards, there always can be, if we choose it. sometimes choosing it means disengaging, I am learning, about moving, about moving my body, my lithe, flexible, alive, healthy body, moving it in directions that want it to live, that makes it feel alive, finding the ways I am pulled, towards conversation, towards intimacy, towards touch, and pleasure, and honest sex and kind kink, and open friendship, towards the joy of a circle, the joy of another person, looking into their eyes, being attuned to who I am and just letting that vibrate, and picking up on the other person's vibration, also, just: co-presence, fully, getting into ourselves. honesty. laying it bare.
and! I am going to be hurt again! probably! but I can move with it again! I might be hurt tomorrow. something might shift. in my heart I feel like it's over. my mind tells me that there's more to come. I think, they're both true, oh wise heart, oh thoughtful mind.
so. for right now, I am so present. I am in a home full of objects. I am in a life full of memories and friends. let's see how things evolve, transition, and move. I will be less present, and more present. an undulating being.
right now I hold a tremendous amount of excitement. or rather: I am getting back in touch with the excitement that has always been in there, inside of me, that thrill at a concert, the sensation of traveling, the series of open possibilities that leads us towards all sorts of adventure. this is me, stuffed full of gratitude, to LP, JH, DH, MJ, LG, AC, GZ, HN, LL, TZ, PM, HS, KR, CG, HB, PK, BR, LK, BS, SG, SB, EH, AB, Q, M, D, and myself.
written 24 hours later:
(and! I am also devastated, sad, heartbroken, full of grief. underneath the piles of laundry there is the gem buried underneath, finally getting to see the light of day. here we are. let it flow.)