what I am here is that I am moved
moved by a vision, moved by a life, moved by the soft lights a home can cast, moved by a cared-for house, moved by the dimming evening beyond the trees, deep navy with soft edges, moved by a spirit, moved by a beauty of a life
what I am here is that I am moved, in witness.
for the first time since 2019 I feel my jaw drop, pure awe and wonder flooding my senses. how could this be? how could this emerge? (and also the sheer joy at joy, the awe at my awe, the wonder at wondrousness)
struck by a vision I am lightning I am laid asunder I am simply shocked, joyed, full of love, not in love, love with the world, this wild world, this wild sad devastating beautiful heartbreaking vivid joyful alive world, this world at the edge of the end, not in any grand existential way (but perhaps!) but always, always ready.
maybe if we're lucky we're always ready to die, thus always ready to live, ready to live so vivid and joyously and freshly, so present with this. a neighborhood cat that becomes a friend, and adopts itself. j and b, living a certain kind of life, so vivid. a house, well-worn, loved, cared for. projects that seem to touch the sky and the earth at the same time. an evening spent laughing, giggling, in silliness. a joy.
am I ready to die, thus ready to live? what are the regrets I would hold if it would end, now, all of this moment? and then, of course, they surface up immediately, I know what needs to be done:
- send a message to a
- send a message to m
- send a message to p
- send a message to c
- send a message to v
- send a message to oef
- send a message to ss
and simply that, and simply that
and keep on going
gratitude floods me in this moment. sheer gratitude for the experience of living. for an encounter. for the ability to walk between a train station and friends' house, to take a slow 25 minute walk. for my health. for my family's well-being. for friends, dear friends, in all different shapes and ways of being, seeing their beings grow, differentiate, unfurl and develop in the ways that they have chosen to craft and shape their lives, and the ways that we can all do that, too, in ways of being, ways of living, ways of life
I'm getting enough practice, getting practice, growing, moving, shifting, changing, allowing, doing, making, hoping, finding, fearing, listening, drifting, navigating, wondering, being.
I didn't expect to find myself here. now that I am here I am discovering things I never thought I would discover, and did not think were possible. for that I am eternally grateful.
there's more within that fingers that begs to leave, that wishes to jump out onto the page, that wants to roll around and explode in excitement, but I contain it within me, not out of any sense of propriety or necessity but because the feeling of doing so is itself special, allowing myself also to process and notice and deeply allow myself to feel something in joy.
thus this is a marker in time-space, saturday, march 11, 8:16am, in northern california, near san jose, in a hotel room that's getting gradually brighter and brighter.