This was 4 months, 25 days ago

brimming with an experience I try to hold it in my hands, carefully. cup it so that it might stay warm, hot, brilliant. my hands hovering above my chest. walking across the pulaski bridge I raise my arms to the sky because I can't tell if I want to cry or laugh, and of course it's both, my heart, my tender heart that can't stand all of this beauty and gratitude and love. my heart.

what does it mean to be alive? tonight I have all the answers. tonight I have all the answers, the simple ones. it means to meet people, to connect and to commune, to know one's self, to sit in the knowledge of your truth, and to find an unexpected wellspring of being and groundedness emerging from your body. it means to love who you already are, and will be, and to let that emerge. it means to be them, and for them to be you. it means, it means, it means, it means, it means to love, it means to ache, it means to find beauty, such deep beauty in the midst of the world, and to be present, and to find that beauty allows for sorrow and sadness and joy and love, but also, that sorrow and sadness and joy and love allows beauty, and to find beautiful the sense of all things present, simply put, simply put.

내려놓는거래. 배워야하는 조급함자체를 놔두고. 놓고, 내려놓고. to place it down.


"this week I loved someone like they were my child in my past life, my sister, my brother, my parent, my friend, my husband, my wife. so many ways of loving. my heart aches at all these beautiful people who I get to intersect my life with momentarily, how beautiful a life is

what I really want is to shake someone by the shoulders, shake them silly, and say, laughingly, can’t you see?? can’t you see? this is it! this is It, the thing, it’s here and been here all of this time, and of course, that someone is me

my aching heart. tonight I walk myself home, so full."


I am loving. I am not in love. I am simply grateful and excited and hopeful and proud and thankful and amused and deeply impressed and fascinated and surprised and thrilled and exhilarated and curious and quietly confident simply excited for where this all might lead me. I am a big huge balloon. I am so full, so full of love, so with me already, that I feel wealthy, I feel so capacious, already full of myself. I go on a date tomorrow with me, I think, the love of my life, and we go out together, and so that will be, us and us, full of loving, and that is what we will do, and so it will be, and so it will be.

thank you. i love you. all this is is this. this moment, over and over and over again. I see, I see, I see!