a state of grace, needed. I keep on thinking of hesse's glass bead game, and reading it on the train going across mongolia, lying across the bottom bunk with the window open, thinking about meditation, greenness rushing in. I would like that now. I would like to learn how to meditate in the present, negotiate these forces, play on top of the strings of tug-and-war that are: ideals that create desires, desires that create movement, movement that generates force, force that forms a space. I would like to have this all be present, but in just the right way: not as a deluge or a conflagration or a tempest, but like a friendly rap-a-tap on the door, the urgent mrkgnaos of a cat asking to be fed, a series of smiles, the rapid steady set-of-the-sun at sunset, the cadence of one bike pedal falling over the other.