slowly, growth?

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what to say here? what to say. suddenly I am older and younger than I thought, simultaneously. suddenly life stretches out like I am in the middle of a desert. suddenly I realize what opportunity costs may mean, and how choices fall. suddenly suddenly.

I don't know what to do about clojure. which is to say: I have been playing with it, and it feels great, shimmering, toying around, my mind flexing. but, to what end? clojure is not a programming language, just a metaphor, just an analogy to the fun of pure thought and exercise, of knowledge seemingly wrought out of thin air. what does this mean? where does this come from? where is knowledge and understanding? how is it inside both me and my environment?

part of what I have to resolve with myself is the clash of knowledge, fascinating and messy and wonderous and joyous, and of implementation/action, which is so messy and slodgy and shining and also brilliant in its own way. knowledge feels like iridescent gems, emitting pure tones, harmonies intersecting when they overlap. implementation and action feels like walking through snow and feeling cold water everywhere in your cold feet, and finally entering home, taking your shoes off, and sitting with a cup of tea, and feeling your toes warm amongst friends.

having drudged through implementation and knowledge recently, I feel like I am now at a crossroads. politics is all implementation, I think, information and beliefs and minds are fickle and fast and sway instantly, this way and that way. we are dipoles, asymmetrically charged particles held in the lattice structure of a metal. if we can turn slow, then our alignments move slowly, buffered and delayed, swinging around slowly to create localized eddies, dead zones, stable spots. If we turn fast, then we align instantly, the entire metal piece instantly swinging from one orientation to another, partial synchronicity generating unstable and chaotic feedback loops. which way do our political beliefs swing? this way, that way, anyway, any day. and I don't mean left/right directions, I mean attention; where do our political attention rest? alignment quickly oscillating.

voting as a mode of politics thus seems insufficient, purely belief/information/attention-based. there should be a mode of voting where you vote once a month, and those votes are all tallied up for the next term's vote, or something, where attention input is muted, dampened, less susceptible.

but either way. politics as voting generates politics as attention. attention ecologies generate attention economies.

meanwhile I wonder. how is it that we all live to a) sustain our body (reproductive labor power) and b) to do things that we think are important to us, yet we use one currency of exchange or system of value expression to do so?

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stretched out across cultural, generational, spatial, linguistic contexts, here I am. I wander down alleys, drive down highways. I replicate the forces upon myself, I resist them, I create forces upon myself, I alter them.

(I (having been influenced by the (environment, which (I, having been influenced by the environment) designed to put around me)))

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