out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. - Rumi

--

yes, if you must ask, the answer is yes: I am sad.

I hold it in my heart, beneath all of it, tenderly, my own sadness, my own sadness at how things went, once, twice. sadness at music shared, hopes found, a vulnerability entered into, for a moment, what it means to touch another person, to let one's self be rawly exposed, or to try to, at any point, including all of the teeming surfaces there, a sea both calm and roiling, we are large, we are oceaning, so we are all of it, flawed hopeful desiring impatient playful loving anxious wanting seeking sad melancholy devastated hopeful yearning sobbing loving missing seeing listening wistfully-smiling laughing, too, oh, so it goes, oh, another ring on the tree, another notch in this beautiful imperfect life, another lesson, another sorrow, another joy, another memory, another way of being shaped, my life irrevocably altered again, my heart with another story;

at least, this time, I have my truth, my love, my understanding, just mistakes and flawed attempts at trying our best abound, hurts and desires, fears and hopes, abound abound, abound abound, just, this is the way the story goes, this is the way the song goes

amidst all of these words I hope to find in it the thing I am to say; I think that's what's been consistent about these words here, a grateful skepticism towards words, at getting us there, kind-of, this here is like collage, or sketching, and I hope amidst all of these sayings you, we, I, you, can see through it, see through it through whatever lies beneath, what lies beneath that wishes to an emerge, I love you, I'm sorry, it was beautiful while it lasted, I have learned a lot, I carry these stories, they have changed me, I'm sorry if I hurt you, I never meant to, I forgive you for hurting me, I know you were hurt, too, and so onwards and separate our lives will roll, will traject, grow and wriggle and emerge into the future, into bright new suns with eyes blinking, sad cheeks beaming, a faraway presence that I will still beam my good wishes to,

to say, hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye, I wish you well, I do, I wish you well, I really do, I really really really really really really do.