This was 16 years, 4 months, 27 days ago

Yellow: the moon, incandescent light bulbs.

I am late for things today, early for things, missing things, catching things. I feel goals wane and wax, hum in and out, the vibration making solid objects seem gently translucent at the corners.

I am learning things this semester. Learning: as in accumulation, knowledge, understanding of the future. Learning: forging a path, following a strand, laying down a track. I'm trying to learn through both learning and a lack of learning; thinking and a lack of thinking, and effort and a lack of effort. These paths, strong swings on both the up-stroke and the down-stroke, a bridge rectifier bouncing its graph along the axis of time.

Effort and ambition, strange words, necessities, brought on by questions. Where will I be in twenty years? How do I get there? Will I have a house? Loans? Will I have health insurance --- will I be happy? I understand that these material qualities translate into comfort, not luxury, material, but not materialism. I also understand that the grand total of these answers consists of the summation of each individual moment, the now taken and done with, the present state focused on and upheld, enforced, acted upon. I try to remind myself of these things, of how the micro builds the macro, to sweat the small stuff so to speak.

I feel like everyone around me is seeking something, going towards it, guided by cues of fulfillment, necessity, instinct. Here we are, being released into a location of apathy, into a physical city hosting and celebrating its image of nihilism, swimming towards the eternal mirage.